I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
