Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
