Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
