Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
