My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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