I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
