we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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