If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
