Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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