if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
