So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I came so hard my ears popped.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
