If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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