whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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