The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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