Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
