So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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