just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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