moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
