Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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