i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
