My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
why is half of my head shaved?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
