he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
should my penis look like a turkey
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
