I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
