Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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