Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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