forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
