I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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