all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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