I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Found your dick twin last night
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
