Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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