I accidentally had phone sex last night
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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