i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
