The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
