awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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