I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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