On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
