She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
