i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
there's paper in my vomit.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
