i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
