when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
