Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
