turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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