I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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