I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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