i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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