I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
