Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
