Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Randomize
