what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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