Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
