I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
